Thank you Candace Cross!

It has been two weeks since the birth of Raven Starr Rockwell.  Two weeks seems like 2 hours, seems like 2 years, seems like I never lived before.  I can’t hardly remember being pregnant and I figured I better write my birth story before I am tempted to sanitize it.  I had all the best intentions.  I listened to hypnosis CD’s, I had a midwife and a water birth plan.  I had tackled huge life issues and surrendered over and over again.  I listened to the women in my family tell me that transition was the hardest part, that it doesn’t last that long, and that after about 10 minutes of pushing, the baby would be born. I visualized easy.  I visualized smooth.

There were some signs I refused to pay attention too.  My anxiety for one.  The anxiety that had been with me since the moment I found out I was pregnant.  The anxiety I pushed down, pushed away, and told myself I was too strong to make that real.  There are many things that are too detailed to explain here, as this is a blog not a book.  I will say however, that there was not a day that went by in my pregnancy where something did not come up for me to examine, question or heal.  My Aunt Nancy, a wise and wonderful midwife, sent me a message stating “your pregnancy prepares you for your birth, and your birth prepares you for the mother you will be”.  I should have know right then that it wasn’t going to be easy.

I thought I was due on the tenth of December.  There were signs, and then there weren’t.  There was panic and question and worry about inducing.  I really couldn’t believe that my baby would ever come.  On December 31st at 2:30 am, she finally signaled her arrival.  From the start, my contractions were one minute apart.  The intensity was tolerable, but I was well aware I was not easing into this.  The only position I could manage was on my hands and knees.  I needed Myles by 3:30.  He started timing.  Some of my contractions were already longer than a minute.  We called my midwife not long after.  It seemed like forever until she arrived. By that time I was in the bathtub.  Soon after she arrived I puked for the first time in many.  She remarked that I was fully in labor.  I had to agree.  I think it was 7 am.  All I can say is that time stands still….it doesn’t seem fast and it doesn’t seem slow.  It is just the only thing there is.  For the first time in my life, my thoughts did not exist.  Breath, convulse, puke, shit, cry, 50 second break.  Repeat.  For 11 hours.

I was stuck between 6 and 7 centimeters for most of my labor.  Transition is meant to be transitioned through.  I was in purgatory.  Myles would say later that it was like watching an exorcism.  At around 1pm I demanded that I be taken to the hospital. I could not imagine any more hours stuck at 7 centimeters, heaving up my insides and getting nowhere.  I wanted to be done.  I wanted an epidural.  I wanted to end the crawling on the bathroom floor unable to make it to the toilet.  I had given up.  My midwife broke my water in the attempt to speed things alone.  I wasn’t waiting to find out.  Myles picked up some dirty clothes from my closet floor and my toothbrush.  I hadn’t bothered to pack a bag.

My midwife called the hospital and they had one birthing room left. Room number 7.  Not that funny at the time.  I had to ride facing the passenger seat so I could stay in my hands and knees position.  That ride did seem like an eternity.  It was :15 minutes.  We pulled up to the emergency entrance of the birthing center and I fell out of the car straight to my hands and knees.  I started crawling to the door.  I shook my head “no” when someone offered a wheelchair.  I tried to stand up at the desk but immediately fell back to the floor.  Crying and begging for an epidural.  Myles and two nurses dragged me off the floor and put me screaming into a wheelchair.  Soon I was in room number 7, still demanding an epidural.  I was leaning over Myles’ back on the bed.  The nurse looked at me and said “sweetie, do you feel like you have to push?”  I looked at her like she was fucking crazy.  She checked me. I was at 10 centimeters.  No epidural needed, it was time to push.

At first I thought I was almost done.  Very soon I realized that the finish line was nowhere near.  Two liters of saline was inserted into my veins and an oxygen mask was handed to me.  I was in for  the long haul.  The birthing bar was inserted above my bed and I alternated hanging on for dear life and pushing against it like I was squatting 1000 pounds.  With every push I turned completely blue.  Blood vessels were popping in my eyes but my baby was getting nowhere.  I thought this was meant to be the easy part. I no longer cared about tearing or hurting or even dying.  I had to get my baby OUT.  No one knew until 2.5 hours later that Raven was in the ROP position.  That means she came out face up, with her head turned toward my left thigh.  She was stuck on my public bone for most of the pushing.  The nurse who had my fingers inside me for 2.5 hours, telling me where to push, saved me.  She was my only focus.  Raven Starr was born at 4:04 pm.  I couldn’t stop shaking for an hour.

My heart is blown open.  She is the biggest little thing I have ever done.  She needs me every second.  I am amazed by humanity.  The way we all get here….this is my birth story, but it is also my daughter’s.  We are healthy, we are tired, we are healing.  I told Myles that after that, I never need to train again.  I just need to go on a few fun bike rides.  With my daughters birth, I also gave birth to myself.  I am a newborn.  I feel shaky but strong.  My old life seems like it was never mine.  How lucky I am to begin again.

Little angel Raven Starr

I love lists.  They calm me down.  I felt like making a list of all the things that feel essential right now.  Some spiritual, some emotional, some physical and some material.  In random order, here is what I am needing, loving and craving with 5 weeks to go….

1) Boundaries.  The good energetic kind.  I have used bubbles of light and all that, but sometimes you need more.  Sometimes you need to put yourself in a bank vault and visualize negative people and energies just banging their heads against it.  It works.  Unplug.  The best you can help others is to just be in a very high vibrational state yourself.  People will rise to meet you, or they will fall off your radar.  Boundaries are up for examination this month. Trust me.  Re-evalute YOUR goals and dreams, start with that, and then move on to “others”.  You are worth being number one.  Stop saying yes when you don’t mean it!

2) Love through it.  Just keep opening and expanding.  Letting go of the past includes letting go of yesterday or two minutes ago.  Surprise yourself with your ability to let everything slide off you.  Hint:  It really is all about you.  Staying in that loving space makes you feel better, look better, smile more, and notice the doors right in front of you that are actually open.  Just keep moving through.

3) Yerba Mate with almond milk and a bit of lavender honey.  I don’t know what happened, but 3 days ago I HAD to have this drink.  And I am loving it.  I have been off ALL sugar for about 6 weeks, and now my raw, local, lavender honey is making me high.  Seriously.

4) The Goddess Oracle Cards my “seeress” Crystal Andalusa let me borrow.  Guidance at my fingertips.  So very addictive, so very accurate.  Love love love.

5) My little hematite heart crystal taped to my right calf while I sleep to calm down the electrical plant I feel my body has become, and relax my calf muscle which was cramping so bad at times I wondered if it would ever stop.  It works.  Minerals too of course.  I love Mineral Magic.  Looks and tastes like dirt.

6) Prenatal yoga, Pilates, hikes with compression socks, my chiropractor Dr. Dan (he has a stripper pole and Playboy pinball machine in his home office), my massage therapist Kristen, my Deep Sleep potion from Dancing Willow Herbs, my at home “detox” footbath, plain goat yogurt, LAVENDER HONEY, books, smudging, foot massages from my husband (so typical, I know), the color orange to stimulate my 2nd chakra, and pedicures every chance I get.

7) Connecting with this platinum spirit in my belly who is more active, alive and communicative every day.  Feeling truly blessed that I was chosen.  Mook Jasper is excellent to put on your belly.  Your baby will really talk to you.  Listen.  The little ones coming in these days are very extraordinary.
I already mentioned these J Brand Jeans, but here is a photo

you are still sexy

9)  This dvd is the only dvd I need to watch to prepare for child birth.  These Russian midwives are amazing.  They deliver their own babies in the Black Sea.  They wear awesome sweatbands and have super blonde hair and are all goddess like.

how it should be

10) This is the best book to read while you are pregnant.  No fear tactics, all empowering and exciting information.  The only book I needed….

how cute is this baby?

11) I know I am placenta obsessed and I don’t care.  Here is how my recovery plan will look:

12)  All the pretty photos and video from our wedding and pregnancy shoot.  Here is one I love.  There might be a hint of nipple showing.  Maybe.  But geez, we all have them.  I am really feeling liberated in my body, and so should you.  This “flesh” should not weigh us down.  We chose to be in our bodies to experience pleasure.  That is simply the truth.  Indulge…. and share your happiness.

love, lust, creation, expansion, expression

Say what you want, and enjoying the manifesting of it!  xo

The Wedding of Willow Koerber & Myles Rockwell from markus|neuert ? cyclefilm|com on Vimeo.

So I am going to get you up to speed.  I am now Mrs. Rockwell.  I have a stepson (I say spirit son, it is so much nicer), in 6 weeks the little platinum baby is due, my book is going to be published next spring by Sunbury Press, I am buying breast pumps and baby furniture and the sun is still shining here in Durango.  My girlfriends hosted a fun and fancy baby shower for me, and all of a sudden everything seems so REAL.  Somehow I just realized that our baby was conceived on a full moon and is also due on a full moon.  Not surprised actually!  Last full moon I could hardly sleep.  Baby was running laps in my belly.

This year has been so huge, I am sure many of you have been feeling the shift.  Everything seems to have come up for examination and processing.  It is literally been a huge closet cleaning.  What will I keep?  What doesn’t “fit” me anymore, what do I need to include to be prepared for what’s ahead?  Sometimes the cleaning can be exhausting, but it is all so worth it.  One of the trickiest things to let go of is resentment.  It eats at your heart and it digs its claws into your happiness.  Always, always, always, it is best to let it go.  Even if it is justified, it needs to go.  Make more room in your closet!

I found some really sweet J Brand (gasp) maternity jeans.  They don’t have the stupid high waist, just a little elastic on the sides you can’t really see.  Just order your same size, they are magical.  Seriously, your butt is still cute even if you are pregnant.  In fact, I feel much cuter with 6 weeks to go then I did somewhere in the middle when it just looked like I had too much beer over the weekend.

I found a placenta encapsulation specialist who is coming to my house after the birth to clean, dry, grind and encapsulate my placenta for optimum recovery.  It is not even gross, it just makes sense.  Every animal does it.  Well, they don’t take pills, but they do eat it.  My mom and aunts used to make a shake out of it.  Pills sound better.  I want everything back I have put into this!  And really, who is going to be on the start line of the World Cups next year having just topped off reserves with placenta pills?   Just me I think….

That’s it for now.  Here are a few photos from the wedding. If you want to see more follow this link and enter durango as the password.   http://haileyking.nextproof.com/galleries/willow-myles-wedding/favorites

Bless you on your journey….

Oh, and put 11-11-11 down on your calendar. Of course.  Get aligned, get out there, let the universe help you release and re-engage with life.  ”The number 11 represents a gateway – and the date of 11-11-11 is one of the most important spiritual dates of the digital age. This marks the threshold of stepping through the pillars of time, to manifest your personal destiny and create the collective outcome”. If you know about the crystal skulls, activation in sacred sites around the US will be taking place. One of these sites is in Crestone Colorado.  The journey culminates on 11-11-11 in Los Angeles California.  If you don’t know about the crystal skulls, I don’t know where to begin….

A few minutes before walking down the aisle

The Rockwell boys waiting for me....

Reading my vows to my beloved

We love standing in the swamp grass

Yum, my husband is so handsome

That's a real smile

Yay! My family got fancy

Thank you so much to Candace Cross from http://www.picturethisfotography.org/….you are amazing! xo

I don’t know if anyone who reads my blog is pregnant, but if you are, I have a few tips to share.  In fact, these tips could apply to any woman, pregnant or not!  I am almost 7 months along now, and I am counting down days until the wedding.  My dress is perfect, and so is my fiance, so that is really all I need.  Don’t worry though, I am going to make sure this is a wedding to remember!  Here are the tips:

1) If you don’t feel like doing something, don’t do it.

2) If you have restless legs at night, or suffer from night cramps, increase your iron intake, take magnesium right before bed, stretch right before bed, and have your man rub your calves for you.  Acupuncture can work wonders for this, as does an Amazonite crystal taped to your calf (or calves)  Sex also helps, because you get that pent up energy out of you…plus it’s like one of the only things you can still do.  Your man still thinks you are sexy.  Promise.

3) Exercise really does help everything, but modifying your usual routine is a must.  I am off the bike now (7 months) because the weight on the front was making sitting on the seat SO uncomfortable.  Once I realized that I was getting mad every ride, I knew I needed to stop.  I am running now (feels good actually) and doing Qi Gong and my own version of yoga.  Walks are always good, but sometimes naps are better.

4) Treatments.  You need alot of treatments.  Massage, Chiropractor, healing sessions with my Shaman and pedicures are all a part of my regime.  I just got a salt scrub the other day, and I really liked that too.  Of course, you could do alot of this at home to save money, but I like the nurturing.

5) Cry whenever you feel like it.  If you hold it in, it turns into something bigger than it needs to be and you will also feel it in your body.  I am a fan of filling up the bath, pouring in the epsom salts, lighting the candles and just letting go…

6) Say no.  Really. You don’t need an excuse.  You are pregnant, that’s enough.

7) Try to enjoy right NOW.  I admit, I have had a hard time being pregnant.  I want to go for a hard mountain bike ride, I want to wear my skinny jeans, I want to wear heels, I’d like to have a bachlorette party…..the list goes on.  When I feel upset or resentful, I let myself feel those things too.  It is just a part of the package I think.  Ultimately, the gift of new life is a huge blessing, and being pregnant is the most feminine experience on the planet.  Whatever you have to do to enjoy yourself, do it!  And make no apologies.  Ever.
Write down your dreams.  Every morning write down how you want your life to be.  Include the birth of your baby in your story.  Make it how YOU want it.  Read it out loud to yourself.  Repeat the process right before bed.  Enjoy and allow….you are magic.

Here are a few of my favorite engagement photos. I already uploaded some of these to facebook, but I thought I would add them here as well. Hailey King perfectly captured my vision, and I look forward to the wedding photos! I am 6 1/2 months pregnant now (26 weeks), wedding coming up SOON, literary agent just proposed my book to 15 different publishers and now I MIGHT just take a break for a second…. but maybe not! The wedding plans require quite a bit of attention, especially as I don’t trust anyone to do a job I know I can do perfectly! The honeymoon is booked and I am SO going to enjoy my last few weeks ALONE with Myles….it doesn’t happen much as I have an eight year old “spirit son” and a very busy life. And soon the new addition…

I am still feeling like I am carrying a boy, but I guess we will soon see. I am buying lots of white baby clothing, so either way the little soul will look like an earth angel. I am riding my road bike 3-4 times a week but just last week the saddle became unbearable to sit on. I wanted to throw my bike off the bridge to be honest. So, I ordered a new seat that might be more friendly, and until then I am lugging my cruiser bike up the big hills from town to my house. Put a 12-15lb load on your stomach (and chest) and try that for training! That’s how it feels right now….

Qi Gong is my new activity of choice. There are many forms of Qi Gong. I love the Kuan Yin Standing Qi Gong. Your body gets moving in ways you don’t usually thing about, and your mind relaxes too. Belly dancing is on the agenda today and if my new seat shows up, a road bike ride. Next week I head to Portland to pick up my custom wedding dress and alter it as need be. I can’t believe the World Championships are this weekend. The season is nearly over and I missed it all. Somehow it is all very okay. And THAT is a blessing. xoxo

I feel like it was just last August and I was stressing out about the World Championships because I couldn’t even look at my bike without crying. What a year. Have I mentioned before that I am NEVER bored? I just finished my book, and now I am putting out my feelers for the perfect editor and publisher. I want someone who really gets me!

I have been doing Reiki on my baby belly, and I get kicks and spins every time. It’s really cool. I have also been writing down what I want on paper, doing Reiki on it, putting a crystal on top and letting it marinate to manifestation. Some things have been pretty instant. Other’s like being a billionaire could take a little more time

I am just over five months along now, four to go! I bought a cute little baby outfit and put that on my alter too. A couple months into my pregnancy the thought came to me that birthing new life into this world should feel like one giant orgasm. I did a little research and as it turns out, this is possible. Yay! I love it when the universe puts really great ideas into my mind. You can tell if spirit is communicating to you by the way you feel. We are meant to feel amazing, and thoughts and beliefs that make us feel amazing are the TRUTH!

I don’t have any weird cravings anymore. I have been eating little bits of this really gross carob rice dream “ice cream”, but it tastes so awful I don’t count it as a treat. I have no idea why I eat it…

I have been getting some SOMA massage which is so fantastic. It is Rolfing and therapy rolled into one. My muscles need it. At one point when the therapist was on my back I said “that spot feels like every racing disappointment I have ever had”. Let me tell you, there have been plenty!

I have been riding my road bike about 4 times a week, hiking, stretching and belly dancing. I am sure you want to see some belly pictures soon, but I feel so protective of my baby. Maybe soon. Really fancy ones….

Hope you are having fun out there. Keep dreaming, these days it’s all coming true.

YAY. I feel like gold dust is in the air again. Amazingness and aliveness are springing up all around me. The scary things now seem small, and friends and family feel closer and more open than ever. Of course every day is still a challenge, but the tool box is growing by the minute and I am equipped to handle whatever is thrown my way.

I want to say a huge thank you to the TREK World Racing team owner, Martin Whiteley. He is fully supporting my life right now, financially and emotionally. Thanks for believing in me and telling me I am “un-replaceable”. You are the best.

The book is writing itself, thanks to encouragement from my mentors and clear channeling from my guides. My shaman is coming to the house today to do a tarot card reading. Nothing makes me more excited than that kind of stuff! I have been lead to two more great female body workers in town, Nan and Carol. They are helping to de-program my body and re-build it. I have been working intensely with the mind and soul, now my body needs to catch up! I will be birthing a baby and a book and re-birthing myself. Entirely.

I found a purse I feel like I HAVE to have for my wedding. It’s blue and fancy and I would show it to you, but none of my photos want to load today. But it’s stupid expensive, so I will probably just have to look at it everyday until it’s sold out.

I would like to start having dreams about rainbows and unicorns. Last night I dreamt that I was leading a world cup race by four minutes but had to stop and breast-feed. I had just had my baby the night before. Geez Willow, ENOUGH with the racing nightmares!

I am getting on the road bike again today. It will help me stay sane and deal with another little league play-off game. Have fun out there….