I have had quite a few questions about what I am doing right now for training, and what my future looks like in the bike world. Instead of answering the comments or messages directly, I thought a post would work nicely.

I am five chapters into my book. The writing is easy, but it is draining on the emotions. I am giving it my all, and not holding back. This book will be raw, real and shocking I am sure. But that’s my life…

As far as training goes, I wouldn’t call it training. More like exercise for sanity’s sake. The winds have been nasty here in Durango for the last 3 weeks, so riding my road bike looked more like torture than fun. After coming home from South Africa I was drained beyond belief. I was underweight, especially for being pregnant, so I had to take it easy. Actually, even if I wanted to get out there and go hard it was impossible. I was that tired. After a couple weeks of the occasional mountain bike ride and run, my energy started to come back. At the most, I have been running for an hour and my longest ride has been two.

After a few mountain bike rides, I decided to hang it up until next year. It was just too stressful. The trails and altitude around here are not easy, and it was frustrating to me to constantly be judging myself against a previous feeling on the trail. Plus, my balance was off and my head wasn’t in it. After three weeks off of bikes completely, I think I may ride my road bike today. For an hour and a half at the most. I have not been pregnant before and I have no plan other than to go day by day. I think every pregnancy is different anyway, so even if I had a plan that I thought worked, I am sure I would have to adjust it with each new baby.

What I realize most is how much I have forced myself to do things, even when I thought I was being easier on myself. Over the years my training has become much more focused and much less mile,time or distance oriented. The World Cup races are one hour and forty minutes on average. The way I see it, I don’t need to train for more than two hours a day. I feel like my pregnancy “training” schedule will give me the base I need and after chilling for a month after baby, I will be back on schedule by mid January. For the past two years I have not been on the bike until mid February, so everything looks fine to me. It will be nice to have a real reason to train for only two hours a day. The baby will need milk!

Some people believe that time off the racing will make you slow. Not me. I have been burning out my adrenals and stressed to all hell for as long as I can remember. There is nothing better or more energizing for your body and soul than to let it know that everything is okay. There is nothing you have to do to survive. I am fast. I have worked my whole life to train my body to do as I ask. So in short, I will be back next year racing the World Cup. It is not over yet.

I have been asked if I am interested in doing women’s camps. I honestly think that I am better at writing and talking about how to approach athletics than showing people what to do. Right now that is not on my agenda, but I guess you never know. Most of my extra energy is going into my book at the moment. I have three books I want to write, so I think that will take up most of my time for a while!

I am into my first week of the second trimester, and the weird food cravings have diminished a bit. Onions sound gross again and spice is not as nice. Tonight Myles and I are finally doing our engagement photos with Hailey King. The weather is beautiful and we even hired a babysitter so we could get some dinner afterward. Yay. The simple things are so rewarding right now. Who would have thought…

So, I HAD a dress, but I am pretty sure that won’t even zip up now. I am not going to try, because that would just freak me out.

I went to Portland to meet with Sarah from sarahseven.com. Custom dress! I instantly saw the sparkly fabric I wanted and then we decided on short and strapless. A bra top and then flowy from the bust to make room for baby. AND it goes with the shoes I already have (which cost more than the dress) so, yay! I go back early September to pick it up and hack off the bottom to make it short enough. But not too short…

The energy is coming back, next week I will be done with the first trimester, and everyone says it’s the toughest. I think I made it way tougher on myself by training and starving and racing the first six weeks. I never knew how exhausted I could actually be.

Things are lining up, and chapter one of my book is complete. I have a mentor/editor, and publishing options already on the table. It is time to see the magic in all of this!

I will be updating my blog but with less insight and more fun. Maybe some belly photos once it doesn’t look like I just got back from a keg party. Thank you for all your kind words and comments on the last blog. My heart is warm and happy.

Just a note on the last blog. Racing and competing is not bad, it is just the way I held onto to it that was unhealthy. Sport in it’s purity is a beautiful thing. A way to connect with your spirit and the divine. It is just us humans that create an environment that challenges that purity. I am convinced that when you don’t NEED to win, you can race all you want and not sell your soul. Until then, I will be writing.

It’s been almost 3 weeks since my world turned upside down.  I have gone through an identity crisis, financial crisis, mid-life crisis, security and survival crisis, body image crisis and whatever other crisis you could think of.  I have seen Marie Redfeather, had a shamanic death, talked with Stargazer Li and Grace, received treatments from Donna and Ruthie and STILL  found myself unable to get out of bed at times.  There is nothing that will shake you to your core than the illusion you have been chasing for 17 years melting away.  It is not missing the racing that is upsetting, it is the truth of why I have been racing that is hard to digest.

There has been a huge tangled rope in the middle of my desire to race.  That rope has been pulled and the whole thing is starting to unravel.  I have had many things arise from my unconscious to my conscious in the last 3 weeks.  Some of them have come out as physical symptoms, some as emotional ones, and some as the pure lies I have been operating on for most of my life.  I thought I had worked through most of this in the winter, but as it turns out, it took an unplanned pregnancy and a complete 180 in life to see what I was unwilling to admit.  I have used bike racing as a substitute for love.

I had a difficult and confusing childhood, and the validation from inside and out was sparse.  I was always good at sports.  I was uncomfortable even having a body, but with sports, I seemed to connect to it.  Mountain biking came along, and of course, I was good at it.  I think I did two rides before I did my first race.  I remember feeling like magic when I won.  I also remember the attention and the prize and the validation.  I must have right then unconsciously decided that this is how I would prove my worth.  There was a race the next weekend and I stressed all week about winning it.  I didn’t.  I crashed a bunch and was second.  I was crushed.  No one told me I was awesome, there was no love.  Like a heroin addict, I needed my next high.  I was nothing without it.  I was hooked.  I WAS a bike racer.

This truth has obviously been hidden from my view until now.  Without racing in my life this year, I was forced to see who I am without it.  The truth is, I don’t know.  I now get the chance to invent who I am.  I am not the sexy World Cup Bike racer anymore.  I am just Willow.  All my life that has never been enough, now it has to be.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my naturopath/midwife Joy, and she asked me questions about my life to learn about my constitution. It was a pretty rough interview actually.  I really had to tell the truth to myself, and see what  I had been hiding all these years.  She asked me why I had to be so good at everything.  I answered “because I am painfully aware of how awful it feels when I’m not”.  Today I spoke with Dr. Leonard Laskow who wrote “Healing with Love”.  It finally all lined up.  Not that I am done with my work (that never stops) but I could see why this was all happening.

Nothing is more masculine to me than the mountain bike scene.  I could see it in the women’s faces on the start line in South Africa.  I was surprised to realize that’s how I must look too. Flight or fight.  Survival mode. A battle to the death.  Nothing is more feminine than an unplanned pregnancy.  The allowing and receiving side of myself opened up to what the universe knows I need, even thought it is taking me some time to catch up.

I used to think my divine life’s purpose was to win the World Championships and the Olympic Gold Medal.  That could still happen, but now I know it is my purpose to help those who have been driven by the same pain as I have.  The torture does not have to continue, we are worthy just because we are.

In my last session with Marie Redfeather, I had a vision.  I collapsed at a bike race and my body was zipped up in a body bag.  I was buried underground and all my medals, jerseys, awards and photos were thrown on top and lit on fire.  If that’s not the death of the old me, I don’t know what is.  I don’t know what’s next, my future is up in the air.  The only thing I can do is trust that my spirit guides are watching me and I can put down my swords for now.  The warrior has fought a good fight, it is time for the lover to have a dance.

I didn’t think this would be a blog title any time soon….wow.  I wish I knew exactly what to say and exactly how I felt, but I don’t!  I am still in South Africa and it will take me two days to get home.  I am sure once I am with Myles and I can let my guard down, I will really feel this.

I had two positive tests for pregnancy the day before the World Cup in South Africa.  I am six weeks along.  With my team’s support, I chose not to start the World Cup.  At his point in my life, I could never forgive myself if something happened to this little soul who obviously has some wonderful reasons for choosing me as his mother.  The timing doesn’t SEEM perfect, but in the case of new life, the timing is somehow always perfect isn’t it?

I am looking forward to what the universe has in store for me, and the unfolding of what I have yet to understand.  I am in the most nurturing and loving relationship I could ever imagine, and fully supported by my family, friends, and Trek World Racing team.

I saw Gunn-Rita after the race yesterday and congratulated her on her 12th place finish.  I think she was 100 times more excited than I about the baby news.  She had goosebumps and lots of words of wisdom.  She now has a two year old boy, an Olympic gold medal, Rainbow stripes and multiple World Cup Wins.  She told me that nothing compares to this experience, and sport is always there for me whenever I want to return.  She wrote her e-mail in black marker on my Oakley hat, and I will be sure to use it!

If you were to ask me my plan now, it starts with shifting from overwhelmed to excited, from bittersweet to full of joy and from doubt into trust.  I plan to continue to ride and exercise day to day, to write the book I have been talking about, to nurture myself, my baby, Myles and his son, and to be back in World Cup action next Spring.  The due date is December 22.  This book is getting more interesting by the second! Thanks for all your love and support, this blog will be a bit different for a while, but please keep checking in.  I am sure I am going to have alot to say…..love and blessings, Willow.

I seriously have never been so muddy.  It was fun though! I just let River follow the river, and it all worked out fine.  The first race of the year is always stressful, and I am happy to know that I remember how to race!

I finished second to Irina, and learned alot about how to race next weekend.  Rain or dry, I know what I need!

2 baths today, and I am still chilly.  Love Pauline here at the Capulets…..she took me to the health food store AND makes me gluten-free dinners.

I found a sulfite free wine called “Natural Star”.  Of course I am all over that!  Maybe tomorrow I won’t be too cold to get a massage.

After all the waiting and the long winter, race season is finally here!  Feels good to know that nothing but the win will satisfy my thirst.  I hope you are all feeling the passion!  Did you notice that the last week has been super intense?  Just checking…

So yesterday was a 6 dog day, and the dog at our new place needing comforting after loosing his best mate.  (He just barked in agreement I might add).  Today was a 7 monkey day and there were exactly 7 monkeys in my back yard.  Wasn’t there a Brad Pitt movie about this?  I love this calendar….

I rode the course today on my new Top Fuel, and it was perfect.  I named her River, and she finds the lines.  Just trusting and flowing, the way it should be.

I found some gluten free bread and Ray brought me almond butter and flip flops, so I am in heaven.  Although the rain and the cold make the flip flops a bit useless… but they are HOT pink.

I miss home.  I am also acutely aware of how fast time passes and how important this “made-up” world of mine can seem at times.  In the end, I think what matters most is that you enjoy your illusion, and inspire other’s to create and enjoy theirs.

PS  I found an organic wine called “Hunting Owl Shiraz”.  If you know me, that’s all you need to know…

Just a quick little update!  I managed to cram in a healing session, packing, invite sending and a romantic dinner with Myles the day before 2 days of travel.  I am super proud of myself just for chilling on the plane.  Now all the flights for the rest of the year will seem easy!  If you are ever in Stellenbosch you must stay at the Ons Genot hotel.  The staff is amazing, the chefs are amazing, my honeymoon suite is amazing and the trails in Jonkershoek Park are SO fun!

Busy days here, I can’t believe how fast they are flying.  That is a bit unusual for life on the road!  Tonight is dinner out with the Flu brothers and Frank and Carol from Bontrager tires.  Gluten free pizza!  And wine.  And a chance to wear some high heels.  Woohoo!  The team is all about the tennis matches and the pool time, so I am going to have to join in once the interval training comes to a close.

You may be aware that I am a Stargazer Li fan, and if so, today is a 1 Serpent day.  I saw 3 lizards on the trail.  Of course.  Where are my teammates?  It is time to go!  A few more days of hard training, a wine tour, a flight to Durban and then the racing is on!  I just realized I use alot of exclamation points.

Yep, I caved.  But….it will be an easy way to follow me around the world this year!!  WillowkRocks is my user name.  Thanks for following!

Finally, the freshness has arrived!  Energetically as well. . . I can feel the shift and I hope you can too.  Things seems less overwhelming, less work, and more fun.  It’s warm out, the mountain bike is looking inviting and my to-do list seems suddenly shorter.

I had a quick trip to Spain for Fox suspension testing as well as meeting everyone on the TWR family.  I have never been so jet-lagged, and I got my first cold in I don’t know how long.  I felt a bit challenged by all the “unknowns” of the newness, but gradually I have embraced all the change.  Change is good!  It is uncomfortable, but always good. My new Top Fuel is spending some time in my room absorbing the high vibe crystals and soaking up the power of the jaguar. I can’t wait for this bike to teach me how to ride the way I want to.  Fearlessly floating up and down the trail, all the while having FUN!

My brother Sam and his wife Trish just welcomed baby boy Otto into the clan.  I hope I have time to see him before the fall, but that may require a body double!

I have decided to delete all the programming that has been crammed into my skull regarding training and racing and how hard it should be.  Why is that true?  Just because that’s what “they” have been saying all along, and thats what we all have believed.  Sorry, no more.  I rebel.  I have changed most everything in my life but this false belief  has stubbornly stuck around.  I know I have blogged about not believing this junk, but it still creeps in from time to time to convince me I am not doing enough.

I have taken action in the last few days … . I wrote the old story of what I thought racing and training should be, and I burned it.  Then I wrote a new story about how fun and effortless it all is.  I let that one float down the Animas river.  I challenge you to let go of whatever way you are holding onto suffering.  Ask yourself every day what you want to do, and then do that.  ”Should’s and “have to’s”  are free to go!  Deactivate that  old stuff.  The energy is shifting, let’s go with it.

So. . . it just keeps happening!  The more “onion” layers  I peel off, the more vulnerable I am.  The more vulnerable I am the more real I am.  The more real I am the more life is actually FUN.  Since my last post I have had at least 3 more “healing sessions” with Marie Redfeather, a conversation or two with Stargazer Li, quite a few more letter burning ceremonies, a trip to Laguna, a ceremonial closing of my fear account and opening an account with love.  Biking, pilates, skate-skiing, belly-dancing, painting, crying, a trip to Laguna Beach, more crying, more healing, more vulnerability, more REALNESS, more amazingness, more magic, a proposal, an acceptance, a diamond, a celebration,  a new appreciation, and so many new beginnings. . . .  did I mention that my crystals are recharged from spending a night out in the full moon??!!!  Be healed and well heeled (as in the stiletto kind), live fabulously!  Cheers!