When you can stand alone, in your power, nothing feels better.  Cutting cords to all the people, places, things, ideas and beliefs that no longer serve you is one of the most liberating things you will do in your life.  What do YOU want?  What do YOU believe?  What makes YOU feel good?  Ask yourself these questions, and then be brave enough to follow your heart.  You will be rewarded with every new breath you take.

Living on a budget is amazingly refreshing.  All of a sudden I don’t need a million healing appointments.  I have time to sit still, to open the crown chakra, and let the healing light and truth of the universe renew every strand of DNA. And that’s free.

I bought some cute little jumpsuits from Forever 21….they were $12.50 each.  You can never go wrong with black!  I have been baking up a storm Paleo style.  Almond flour is the best, and the breads and muffins I am making have between 4-6 eggs in each recipe, so my blood sugar and milk supply is always topped up.

The weirdest thing is that I LOVE my bike.  And I mean REALLY LOVE IT!!  I took a month off after retiring just to get my head on straight.  Now I just look at my bike and get little butterflys in my heart.  I only have time for 2-3 rides a week, but those rides are pure bliss.  I truely see that my bike has been a better friend to me in my life than almost any human!  The way it took me out of my childhood pain and propelled me into the world is something I appreciate more every second.

I have a new “beat” on singletrack.com every Wendesdays.  I write a short women’s specific column on any topic I choose.  It is fun and refreshing to share the wisdom I have gained on the trails, and in the trials of life.

Raven is sleeping by the open front door, she loves the sounds of the birds, and so do I.

You are not on earth to be mistreated, misjudged and tortured.  You are on this earth to experience joy, passion, bliss and creativity. Each of us have our karma, and choose our path before we arrive.  Sometimes on our path are obstacles that can be a bit tricky.

Sometimes, the most toxic people in your life can exist within your own family. That is not a mistake.  Nothing will activate your evolutionary buttons like someone very close to you.  If there are people in your life who push you around, try to keep secrets, try to control you and quite obviously dislike you, let them go.  We are all here to heal.  For some of us, healing involves creating boundaries we may have never created before.  It doesn’t matter if it is the bank teller or a relative, if they are abusing you, it is simply not okay.

The people you need to let go of will also heal from this process.  It is not healthy to let people suck your energy, or use your fear for fuel.  It really does not help their spiritual growth to blame you, gossip about you and steal your life-force.  On a soul level, they really need you to cut them off.  The greatest gift you can give another is giving them back to themselves.

You are not a doormat.  People that want to control you are not acting out of love, they are acting out of fear.  If you let that continue, you will both dissolve into powerlessness. Own your life, your experiences, your feelings, your body and your soul. That will help others be able to do the same.

Love Willow

The process of getting to this point is another book entirely.  But that is for some other time.  Right now I am at peace.  The chaos and confusion in my head has been replaced by crisp cool stillness.  There is a space between my heart and my thoughts that is brand new to me.

Or is this just relief again?  Relief is a feeling I have been chasing most of my life. Myles mentioned once that I was the “Black Swan” of mountain biking. The  internal battle, oh, how intense it was.  But I just jumped off the cliff.  My wings have never felt bigger.

For some, racing may be simply racing.  That is not how I set up the game for myself.  Racing was a mystery, one for me to untangle, one for me to get trapped in, and then remove myself from.  The truth is, I never loved racing. Maybe it was because I never had the experience of riding without a race in front of me.  I raced a few days after my first mountain bike ride.  If you have read my book, or some of my blogs, you may already know that.  Racing owned me.  I was it’s gladiator slave.  And I was a good gladiator at that.  One of the best.  But it did not bring me much joy.  What it brought was always closer to relief.  Relief that I made it out alive. Relief that I didn’t suck. Relief that my body didn’t have another scar.  Relief that maybe the prize money would pay the rent.  Rarely joy.  Rarely peace.  Never stillness.

Since I discovered I was pregnant with Raven, the hold racing had on me began to unravel.  Bike racing is an illusion, and the illusion serves a purpose.  We all create our own illusions, in our own way.  Within the illusion lessons can be learned, healing can be gained and karmic cycles completed.  But what happens when the illusion no longer serves the highest and greatest good?  I was the only person who could break the chains and set myself free.  As I  began to see through the illusion, it was my wish to dissolve it.  When you see the illusion for what it is, it begins to cause unnecessary suffering.  They say be careful what you wish for don’t they?  The theme song for Gladiator just came onto my Pandora “chill” station.  I kid you not. I digress.

Anyway, I have been seeing clearly lately.  At everything I always ran away from looking at.  Racing served a purpose.  It cleansed me.  It polished my soul.  It freed me from huge chunks of pain and shame and it sent me around the world.  I pushed through, time and again. I got up when I fell.  Over and over.  I sometimes raised my hands in victory, and I learned to survive defeat.  I had the best intentions to return to racing with a new sense of perspective.

But I am awake.  I can not go back to sleep.  In giving birth to my daughter, I also gave birth to an aspect of myself that was buried deep within.  The woman.  The lover.  The feminine mysteries.  I have found a love that transcends bike racing.  I needed to love myself enough to let the cause of my discontent dissolve into the nothingness from where it came.  I know that as Rumi says “the cause of my pain, was the cause of my cure”, but after the cure, there is no valor in the suffering.  There is only suffering.  So I had a choice.  I can continue to be sick, have my baby be sick, have my marriage suffer and my mind by ill at ease, or I can let it go.

At first, I thought letting it go meant letting go of the Olympic Dream and focusing on the end of the season. Then I realized even that was not honoring my soul.  Letting go meant letting it ALL go. The whole package.  Letting go is not quitting. Letting go is leaving behind that which no longer serves you.  It is living with integrity. It is listening to what the soul needs, not what the ego wants.

My soul needs stillness. My soul needs my baby.  My soul needs laughter and contentment.  My soul has expanded, and I had to let myself catch up with it.  When I was in South Africa, I looked around and everything felt wrong.  My heart and soul were not there anymore.  My body was a shell of it’s former self, just going through the motions.  Living is not going through the motions.  Living is being engaged, with awe and wonder, in every moment.  I have decided to live.

I am sure there will be a ride I do this year where I feel like I am made of fairy dust.  And a thought will creep in.  ”I wonder?”  And then I will let it go to where it came from.  Into the infinite nothing. Into the infinite everything.

I am a woman now.  Having a child changes everything.  I am no longer the warrioress who would cut off a breast so the bow and arrow would fit her like a man.  I am now an earth mother goddess.  And I want to immerse myself in the magic of that.  I want to BE a woman. I want to BE a mother. I want to BE a wife.  These things I choose with pride and from a space of love.

I am thankful.  I am thankful to all of you who read my words.  You are blessings. I am thankful for the bike.  It has been the vehicle to this moment.  I have a beautiful daughter and a husband who is a man of all men.  I am blessed.  I am expansive and ever-evolving.  I am at the edge of newness, and it is beautiful. Embrace your own apocalypse.  Leave behind what no longer serves you.  Live. Make your life what you want it to be, from the INSIDE out.  Nourish that space inside that gives you guidance, that encourages you to follow your bliss.

My next path is already unfolding before me with grace and ease.  I want to work with women.  Athletes yes, but women in general.  Healing, encouraging, nurturing.  But I have time to stand still.  I have no income and my debts are impressive.  I gave everything I had to this dream, this illusion.  EVERYTHING.  On every level of my being.  I look forward to enjoying what the universe offers for free.  My plans are to drink lemon water, take epsom salt baths, cry if I need to, write if I want to, soak up the sun, kiss my baby, make love to my husband, walk slowly, reach my arms to the stars and be thankful for all I have.

Thank you to everyone that has supported me on this adventure!  I am eternally grateful.  I especially want to thank Martin Whitely from TWR for exploring this journey of the soul with me.  He gave me a choice, and without a choice, I would have never been able to surrender in peace.  Thank you Martin.

Evolve. Expand.  When life asks you to change, change with it.  That is the trick.  That is the game.  At the end of this lifetime I will not wonder if a different color medal would have changed my life.  I will ask myself, did I love?  Did I heal?  Did I follow my joy?  The answer will be yes.  Be a champion of the soul.Love, love , love.

Willow

Do 10 rides.  Start packing for South Africa.  One boob is twice as big as the other.  Midwife says it is from stress. Duh.  Pack anyway.  Try not to create worse-case scenarios in my head. Go to South Africa.  Race.  Back is breaking, life-force is nil, crash the day before the World Cup.  Cry.  Act tough.  Hate it.  Change my mind. Say I can do it. Say I can’t do it. Uggg. Fly back home.

Realize every cent I make goes into repairing the physical, mental, spiritual and emotional damage the stress of racing causes me.  Feel guilty that I am doing this to Myles and Raven.  Say I can do it. Say I can’t.

Wonder why I make this all so hard.  Eat a piece of chocolate.  Feel guilty.  Remember I have spirit guides and animal totems and a destiny.  Forget.  Nurse.  One boob is bigger than the other again. Call my midwife crying in the bathtub.  She asks why I don’t quit.  I don’t know what to say.

My coach gives me some workouts.  I do them.  I get sick.  I run all over town trying to get better. I am exhausted.  I start to feel better. I go on a ride with Myles and we vow to have fun.  I start to. I crash.  On the same hip.  I cry.  I look at the sky and say “WHY?!?”  I act like a victim and I am confused.  Myles wishes he could save me.  I want to quit.  30 minutes go by.  We are  at a stop light.  I look up.  I scream. At whoever is listening.  Or whoever isn’t.  What the fuck do you want from me!” I feel better.

We ride more.  I make Myles stop so I can buy coconut water. Baby will be thirsty.  We continue on.  I say “I think that crash was supposed to break me.  But I will NOT quit.”  I laugh.  The joke is on me.  It always is.  I create the challenges. I pass the challenges.  I win.

At home Raven smiles at me.  She doesn’t care that I have a mountain of debt, a scraped up body and a dream that won’t die.  She is just happy to see me. Really happy to see me.  I feel cleansed.  There is something about getting over the thing that trips you up again and again.  I think this is why I do this.  Simply for the challenge of getting up when I am down.  But now I am done with that. Now I declare it easy.  Now I am not going to make it harder than it needs to be.

I look up accidents in Lousie Hay when I get home.  It is guilt and anger at the self. Hmmm.  It always comes back to that.  The loving of the self.  Ok then. I love myself.  I LOVE MYSELF.  Let’s get on with life then, shall we?

I can’t even begin to explain how crazy, busy, challenging and intense the trip to South Africa was.  My baby was 2 months old when we left, I had done about 12 bike rides, my life was an open book (literally) and my body felt like a shell of what I remembered it to be.  And I was about to race a World Cup.  Only crazy people would project that this would be a success!  Well, I guess I am a little crazy….

Anyway, I wrote last time about how the race went and all that, so this time I am going to tell you what I got out of the experience.

Myles and Raven are now best pals. I know I can ride at the back of the back of the pack and BE OKAY.  Myles and I can be under stress after stress and never lose it on each other.  If I have to, I will take my baby away from the team dinner table and we will cry together in the car.  And feel closer than ever afterwards.  I can crash onto a pile of rocks the day before the race and still find a reason why I am doing this.

Why I am doing this is a really good question. I know that racing has been a life path for me.  It has shown me all my weaknesses in life.  It has shown me all my strengths. It has brought me a husband and a daughter, and it has given me memories, medals and a book.  It has also brought me pain, despair, obsession and addiction.  Here is where I am at:  my pain used to drive me to succeed.  The pain I used to hold like a security blanket has completely left the building.  I am not driven by a need to prove myself.  I am awake.  I am conscious.  I am reborn.  How do I race this way?  I am not yet sure…..

But here is what I think. I have a chance.  I have a new life, a new perspective, a new reason. I have a choice.  I could quit.  If I wanted to.  But I know I would regret that.  I need a new reason. I need  a new purpose.  How about I race for joy?  How about I race for that feeling when your legs feel like whipped cream and the technical sections feel like riding through clouds and your heart is singing and you are in the moment and you are so grateful for the chance to do a make-belive thing and have it be REAL.  How about I race for me, because I still want to, even though I am at the back of the pack and everything is different and it always will be. How about I race because this is my swan-song and I finally love my body and myself enough to enjoy it for what it is. How about I race because I am lucky enough to have a chance.

I am grateful.  I am me.  I am free.  Today my baby turned 3 months old.  She laughs more.  When I play with her she is so happy. When I am not distracted by my own thoughts and my own dreams and my own confusion, she notices.  When I stop thinking “what if” and touch her feet and kiss her cheeks she gives me everything I need.  Peace in the moment.  Now I know, that is the reason I always raced my bike.  This moment is all there is.
And “time” is flying….it is magic that we are even here!  Do what you do because you love it.  That is the life.

Both Myles and I woke up today with a profound sense of well-being.  Like, wow.  We just made it through something big, and now we can breath!  I bet alot of you are feeling the same.  Raven is laying on the bed next to me just laughing and smiling and talking with her fairy friends.  She feels better too!  We are leaving South Africa to go home today and I am SO EXCITED.

Honestly, since her birth 2.5 months ago, I feel like I have not had one second to recover, breathe or relax.  It has been alot, and it has been hard on our entire immediate family.  But here we are.  We are done with World Cup number one, and everything will only get easier!

My race was one of the worst “results” of my career, but everything is not always what it seems.  It takes alot of internal strength to ride at the back with all those “eyes” on you and be okay in the end.  It really does.  I am proud of myself for putting it out there like that!  When I went out for my last lap, the leaders were passing me the other way.  I looked at them and thought “wow, I used to be fast”.

The last time I had a World Cup Start number it was number 2.  This year I lined up with number 66.  Myles had a moment where he felt bad, like he had done something to take me out of the game.  I told him never to think that again. I told him he and Raven were real, and bike racing is made up.  I wouldn’t trade them for 1000 gold medals.  That sounds ridiculous to even read in words doesn’t it?!

Thanks for all the supportive messages and encouraging words about my book, biking and my babe!  They are all very appreciated.  A big thanks to Martin and all my teammates and staff on TREK World Racing for fitting my “new” life into the old routine!

Anyway, I just want to say that I have enormous respect and compassion for everyone and everything right now, because we all go through quite alot in a life!  Even though it may seem EXTRA challenging right now, just keep moving through.  The next doorway is just ahead….

After listening to medical advice to take it easy for six weeks after my delivery, I have had 5 weeks of “training” in nearly a year.  I rode my bike until 6 months pregnant, but that was more for sanity’s sake.  Even after six weeks sitting on a bike seat was a bit of a stretch, so I had to rely on the skate skis to get the lungs going again.

Three weeks ago I got on the bike, and yesterday I did my first race.  It was obvious to me (and everyone else I am sure!) that it takes more than a handful of rides to be up at the front.  The good news was for 2 laps I felt pretty decent really…comfortably in the top 10.  Then it was lights out.  I made it though.  I can not lie, it was a mental battle.  Wondering why I am doing this so soon after giving birth, what I need it for and what I am trying to prove… I managed to quiet the mental chatter towards the end, and even gave myself some credit for giving it a go.

The first World Cup is next weekend on the same track.  I am hoping that my body now remembers what a race feels like, so maybe I can make it a couple more laps feeling full of life-force!

It is not easy coming back.  I found myself feeling a little bummed yesterday that when I was at the top, I didn’t appreciate it.  As hard as it is to be far from the front of the group, I know I have great support and time to get there.  I am aiming for peak form for the May World Cups.  That will be the last chance to qualify for the Olympic Team.  There are only two spots and plenty of talented riders.

This is not the first time I have gone from the front of the race to the back, so I am in familiar territory.  The shame and embarrassment that threatens my calm mind and brave heart is nothing new.  This time though, I know I don’t have to buy into it.  I just need to let go of  the attachment to outcome, and let my soul go through what it needs to.  That is never an easy task…..the ego can sometimes seem larger than life!

I am here to experience this universe, and all the emotions on the scale.  From love and freedom to shame and fear, it is all a part of a fully self-expressed life.  Sometimes it seems like constant work to stay on top of my emotions, but that IS the work!  The training is the easy part.  As my spirit guide says “It wouldn’t be a path of mastery if you didn’t have to work at it!”

My book is now available on Amazon. I will get a link up soon, but for now just look up this title. Thanks for all your support!

There were some signs I refused to pay attention too.  My anxiety for one.  The anxiety that had been with me since the moment I found out I was pregnant.  The anxiety I pushed down, pushed away, and told myself I was too strong to make that real.  There are many things that are too detailed to explain here, as this is a blog not a book.  I will say however, that there was not a day that went by in my pregnancy where something did not come up for me to examine, question or heal.  My Aunt Nancy, a wise and wonderful midwife, sent me a message stating “your pregnancy prepares you for your birth, and your birth prepares you for the mother you will be”.  I should have know right then that it wasn’t going to be easy.

I thought I was due on the tenth of December.  There were signs, and then there weren’t.  There was panic and question and worry about inducing.  I really couldn’t believe that my baby would ever come.  On December 31st at 2:30 am, she finally signaled her arrival.  From the start, my contractions were one minute apart.  The intensity was tolerable, but I was well aware I was not easing into this.  The only position I could manage was on my hands and knees.  I needed Myles by 3:30.  He started timing.  Some of my contractions were already longer than a minute.  We called my midwife not long after.  It seemed like forever until she arrived. By that time I was in the bathtub.  Soon after she arrived I puked for the first time in many.  She remarked that I was fully in labor.  I had to agree.  I think it was 7 am.  All I can say is that time stands still….it doesn’t seem fast and it doesn’t seem slow.  It is just the only thing there is.  For the first time in my life, my thoughts did not exist.  Breath, convulse, puke, shit, cry, 50 second break.  Repeat.  For 11 hours.

I was stuck between 6 and 7 centimeters for most of my labor.  Transition is meant to be transitioned through.  I was in purgatory.  Myles would say later that it was like watching an exorcism.  At around 1pm I demanded that I be taken to the hospital. I could not imagine any more hours stuck at 7 centimeters, heaving up my insides and getting nowhere.  I wanted to be done.  I wanted an epidural.  I wanted to end the crawling on the bathroom floor unable to make it to the toilet.  I had given up.  My midwife broke my water in the attempt to speed things alone.  I wasn’t waiting to find out.  Myles picked up some dirty clothes from my closet floor and my toothbrush.  I hadn’t bothered to pack a bag.

My midwife called the hospital and they had one birthing room left. Room number 7.  Not that funny at the time.  I had to ride facing the passenger seat so I could stay in my hands and knees position.  That ride did seem like an eternity.  It was :15 minutes.  We pulled up to the emergency entrance of the birthing center and I fell out of the car straight to my hands and knees.  I started crawling to the door.  I shook my head “no” when someone offered a wheelchair.  I tried to stand up at the desk but immediately fell back to the floor.  Crying and begging for an epidural.  Myles and two nurses dragged me off the floor and put me screaming into a wheelchair.  Soon I was in room number 7, still demanding an epidural.  I was leaning over Myles’ back on the bed.  The nurse looked at me and said “sweetie, do you feel like you have to push?”  I looked at her like she was fucking crazy.  She checked me. I was at 10 centimeters.  No epidural needed, it was time to push.

At first I thought I was almost done.  Very soon I realized that the finish line was nowhere near.  Two liters of saline was inserted into my veins and an oxygen mask was handed to me.  I was in for  the long haul.  The birthing bar was inserted above my bed and I alternated hanging on for dear life and pushing against it like I was squatting 1000 pounds.  With every push I turned completely blue.  Blood vessels were popping in my eyes but my baby was getting nowhere.  I thought this was meant to be the easy part. I no longer cared about tearing or hurting or even dying.  I had to get my baby OUT.  No one knew until 2.5 hours later that Raven was in the ROP position.  That means she came out face up, with her head turned toward my left thigh.  She was stuck on my public bone for most of the pushing.  The nurse who had my fingers inside me for 2.5 hours, telling me where to push, saved me.  She was my only focus.  Raven Starr was born at 4:04 pm.  I couldn’t stop shaking for an hour.

My heart is blown open.  She is the biggest little thing I have ever done.  She needs me every second.  I am amazed by humanity.  The way we all get here….this is my birth story, but it is also my daughter’s.  We are healthy, we are tired, we are healing.  I told Myles that after that, I never need to train again.  I just need to go on a few fun bike rides.  With my daughters birth, I also gave birth to myself.  I am a newborn.  I feel shaky but strong.  My old life seems like it was never mine.  How lucky I am to begin again.

Little angel Raven Starr

1) Boundaries.  The good energetic kind.  I have used bubbles of light and all that, but sometimes you need more.  Sometimes you need to put yourself in a bank vault and visualize negative people and energies just banging their heads against it.  It works.  Unplug.  The best you can help others is to just be in a very high vibrational state yourself.  People will rise to meet you, or they will fall off your radar.  Boundaries are up for examination this month. Trust me.  Re-evalute YOUR goals and dreams, start with that, and then move on to “others”.  You are worth being number one.  Stop saying yes when you don’t mean it!

2) Love through it.  Just keep opening and expanding.  Letting go of the past includes letting go of yesterday or two minutes ago.  Surprise yourself with your ability to let everything slide off you.  Hint:  It really is all about you.  Staying in that loving space makes you feel better, look better, smile more, and notice the doors right in front of you that are actually open.  Just keep moving through.

3) Yerba Mate with almond milk and a bit of lavender honey.  I don’t know what happened, but 3 days ago I HAD to have this drink.  And I am loving it.  I have been off ALL sugar for about 6 weeks, and now my raw, local, lavender honey is making me high.  Seriously.

4) The Goddess Oracle Cards my “seeress” Crystal Andalusa let me borrow.  Guidance at my fingertips.  So very addictive, so very accurate.  Love love love.

5) My little hematite heart crystal taped to my right calf while I sleep to calm down the electrical plant I feel my body has become, and relax my calf muscle which was cramping so bad at times I wondered if it would ever stop.  It works.  Minerals too of course.  I love Mineral Magic.  Looks and tastes like dirt.

6) Prenatal yoga, Pilates, hikes with compression socks, my chiropractor Dr. Dan (he has a stripper pole and Playboy pinball machine in his home office), my massage therapist Kristen, my Deep Sleep potion from Dancing Willow Herbs, my at home “detox” footbath, plain goat yogurt, LAVENDER HONEY, books, smudging, foot massages from my husband (so typical, I know), the color orange to stimulate my 2nd chakra, and pedicures every chance I get.

7) Connecting with this platinum spirit in my belly who is more active, alive and communicative every day.  Feeling truly blessed that I was chosen.  Mook Jasper is excellent to put on your belly.  Your baby will really talk to you.  Listen.  The little ones coming in these days are very extraordinary.
I already mentioned these J Brand Jeans, but here is a photo

you are still sexy

9)  This dvd is the only dvd I need to watch to prepare for child birth.  These Russian midwives are amazing.  They deliver their own babies in the Black Sea.  They wear awesome sweatbands and have super blonde hair and are all goddess like.

how it should be

10) This is the best book to read while you are pregnant.  No fear tactics, all empowering and exciting information.  The only book I needed….

how cute is this baby?

11) I know I am placenta obsessed and I don’t care.  Here is how my recovery plan will look:

12)  All the pretty photos and video from our wedding and pregnancy shoot.  Here is one I love.  There might be a hint of nipple showing.  Maybe.  But geez, we all have them.  I am really feeling liberated in my body, and so should you.  This “flesh” should not weigh us down.  We chose to be in our bodies to experience pleasure.  That is simply the truth.  Indulge…. and share your happiness.

love, lust, creation, expansion, expression

Say what you want, and enjoying the manifesting of it!  xo